Okay I apologize for the crudeness some of these contain but over all I cracked up at most of em and wanted someone else to read them and think “….right…” and smile also! like 15, 20, 25, 27, 30, and 31 lol…
1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my
own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you’re wrong.
4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink
to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks
when they’ve invented the lighter?
5. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was
6. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
7. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
9. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
10. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.
11. Was learning cursive really necessary?
12. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to
13. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
14. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I
hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
15. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and
smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
16. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot.
Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s
G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
17. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
18. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
19. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
20. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
21. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
22. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
23. Bad decisions make good stories
24. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
25. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a
26. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive
for the rest of the day.
27. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want
to have to restart my collection.
28. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
29. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a
matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be
friends after this?’
30. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
31. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
32. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
33. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
34. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
35. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to
36. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.
37. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
38. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
39. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone
at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like
being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.